The One Thing
by FireLight
Summary: John’s thoughts on the events that happened in DMD.


The One Thing.  
  
  
  
Author: FireLight  
  
Rating: PG 13 (just to be safe).  
  
Timeline/Spoilers: Takes place some time after the end credits in 'Die Me, Dichotomy'. So if you haven't seen it, don't read this.  
  
Summery: John's thoughts on the events that happened in DMD.  
  
Category: Angst/Romance.  
  
Archiving: Please ask first.  
  
Disclaimer: Farscape and all the characters don't belong to me, they belong to the Jim Henson Co., the SciFi Channel, Hallmark and the rest of them.  
  
Feedback: Yes please, I'd like to know what you thought of it. My address is: firelight797@yahoo.com, or you could leave me a review here at FanFiction.net.  
  
Acknowledgment: Many thanks to my dear sister, whom without her I wouldn't have noticed my stupid emma mistakes; you know I love you :.  
  
A/N: This is my first fanfic ever so be gentle :. Although I have seen DMD quite some time ago, I finally wrote this a few days ago, and frankly I'm glad I did, I needed to get this out of my system. I really wanted it to be full with angst but somehow it ended up like this. What else, ah, yes, English isn't my first language, so forgive me for any mistakes. Oh, one last thing, there is a line in here, something that John refers Aeryn as, I just wanted to say that it is not mine, that I took it from John himself in 'Green-Eyed Monster'. So for those of you who have seen GEM you know what I'm talking about. As for the rest who haven't, well I don't think it's a spoiler so don't worry, and you'll know what it is when you do see GEM. Enough babbling from me, just go read the story and who knows you might like it and dare I say you might even enjoy it ;).  
  
  
  
  
  
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Numbness. that's how I feel. After being strapped into this table for God knows how long, that's exactly how I feel. Among other things. I try not to think about them. Actually I can't. My mind seems to be content with this state of numbness. So I don't fight it, I just let it be. You'd think I'd try to, try to find away out of here, try to survive this. That with all that rage, it would be the only thing keeping me going. For awhile back there it was. I wanted to have my revenge. Strangely though, not some time after Scorpius had left, did I realize that it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Except one thing. She's dead. It was my fault, my own body betrayed me. Oh God, I still can't believe this is happening. This can't be true. The only light in my life is gone, my true love, my one constant. is gone. She is gone. And I did it, me, I ended her life. Oh God please don't let this be true. Let it all be some horrible dream. I'd rather stay in it forever, than ever wake up and find it to be true. Yet, I know this is real. I just can't accept it. I can never accept it. I killed her. My own hands steered my module to smash into her prowler. My own frelling hands?!? Yes, I know it was that damned clone controlling me, but still I could've tried. I could've stopped him. I could've stopped myself. I just couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't keep fighting. I was just so tired. I'd given up. When he took over me that last time, I was determined to get that frelling chip out of my head. I couldn't tolerate the thought of harming anyone from my family again - yes they are my family now -. When the Diagnosan said there is no way to remove the chip without killing me, I knew then that was it. That I had to go through with it. That I would. That's when Harvey knew that he needed to get a clear message to Scorpius. He needed to stall the process as long as he could, until the command carrier got there. Especially now that his first one didn't quite get through, thanks to Crais. So he got me out of there and into my module. He sent his message, and now all he needed to do was keep me there until Scorpy comes and picks me up. It worked! Almost, if it weren't for Aeryn. She went after him; she went after us. When it happened, I could sense his thoughts as he must've sensed mine. He drew it from me that Aeryn wasn't going to back down anymore. So he, we; crashed into her. He yearned it would do enough damage and buy him more time until the carrier got there. I sensed it. Everything; his thoughts, his intentions, what he was doing, and I started fighting, but it wouldn't work. He knew it wouldn't, that's why he only let me come through when it was too late. When it was certain Aeryn wasn't going to make it. He wanted me to watch her die while I was helpless to do anything but that. Afterwards Harvey seemed dormant, content that he did his job, content to watch me suffer. At the funeral, I couldn't believe it, there she was, dead. Dead because of me. I couldn't leave without saying my peace to her. I needed to ask for her forgiveness, I could only hope that she would give it to me. I also had to tell her how I feel. I just couldn't let go without telling her I love her. Without taking a part of her with me. So, I did, I told her and took a lock of her hair. It and my memories of her are the only two possessions I have of her. I almost lost the second one. When the Diagnosan asked me whether I would keep my memories of her or not, I almost told him to cut them away. Part of me really wanted the pain to go away. I wanted it all to go away. I just wouldn't do it, I couldn't. It would've made things a whole lot easier, but I couldn't bring myself to let her go. To do that, to let go of my memories of her, it would be like letting go of everything she meant to me. It's a good thing I didn't; otherwise I wouldn't have remembered what happened in the neural cluster. She loves me. Aeryn finally said these three words to me, and I finally had said them as well. Frell it though, she knew it wasn't me, that it was the frelling clone. Oh baby, even though it was him, he only said what is in my heart. And she said it again, right before she plummeted into the lake. She asked me if I've meant what I said. I couldn't answer her then; I had no idea what she was talking about. Until now. I'm glad that I did tell her again, even if it was too late. At least now, I can die in peace. In the end, only one thing matters; I'd told her how I feel.  
  
  
  
End. 


End file.
